Another year

It's that time of year again. The time of year where the memories start to come back a little sharper and grief isn't to far behind. This is the time of year when I think about my dad a lot. He passed away when I was seven years old.

I've decided to make a lot of changes in my life over the last month, and I can't help but to wonder what would it be like if he were still here. Would my decisions be any different? Would I be looking at different life changes, or any at all? 

Although I think a lot about how my life would be different now, what I think about more are the things that we are missing out on experiencing together. He didn't get to see me graduate, nor will he in the future. I don't get to have him walk me down the aisle, or meet my husband. He doesn't get to hold my new born children and he doesn't get to experience the life of a grandparent. I don't get to ask for his advice or here his stories from growing up. I don't get to learn from him like I do my mom. 

At seven years old, I had no idea what I was losing. Now that I'm older the loss is greater than it was then. Mom notes similarities between us such as my lack of enthusiasm for cake and my attraction to war games. I can't help but to be proud in those moments. I feel a little more connected to him each characteristic trait that is close to his.

I didn't get to grieve for him when I was younger. Mom and I were wronged by his family and robbed the right to closure. For the longest time I didn't even know when he had passed but I could tell because every year around this time I'd get a little sadder and think about him more. 

I wish I could know him, not the memories of him. I wish I could talk to him, rather than talk to my mom about him. I wish I could see him, rather than pictures of him. 

One day I will make it to his grave. I haven't been able to visit yet, as it is in Florida and I am in North Carolina. One day, I'll visit him and my brother who lay side by side. Maybe one day I'll have full closure. I will never forget what I have left from him, and most importantly I'll never forget him. 

I love you dad,
~Megan